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¡Showbiz
Grande Explosion! Skit
INT. - TALK SHOW SET OF ¡SHOWBIZ GRANDE EXPLOSION! Camera on MAÑUEL (played by Horatio Sanz), mariachi sidekick to the talk show host. MAÑUEL
Chicas and Cucarachas! Welcome to
¡Showbiz Grande
Explosion! Here’s your host, straight from the looney bin, Ferecito! Audience applauds loudly, while the host FERECITO (played by Fred Armisen) enters accompanied by the show’s theme music set to a salsa beat and begins to play the drums. FERECITO
Did you feel it? (wants a better response) I said,
did
you feel it? (audience responds loudly) Man, we’ve got a great show for you today! I’m gonna start right now with my monologue. OK, here goes. Did you hear about this guy Kobe
Bryant? Boy, he’s in
a lot of trouble. I hear he’s been traded to the Toronto Rape-tors! (hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! Hey Kobe! It’s called, “keep your
plantain in your pants!”
Google!
Cut to MAÑUEL laughing. MAÑUEL
Google, that’s right!
FERECITO
Hey Mañuel, let me ask you
a question. Do you know what
it means when I say “Google”? MAÑUEL Computer?
FERECITO
Computers, huh? Mañuel
just got his GED. It stands for:
“Gee, he’s a dummy!” (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! MAÑUEL is not amused; his lip quivers. FERECITO
Mañuel...I’m jus keeding!
MAÑUEL responds in laughter. FERECITO
Give it up to Mañuel
Pantalones and his Mariachis!
Wild audience response as Mañuel and his band play music. FERECITO
(goes to sit at his desk) OK, so how you doing,
Mañuel?
MAÑUEL
Oh, I’m alright, you know. I wish
I had more money.
FERECITO
Oh, listen, Mañuel is so
poor, even his email address
is in a bad neighborhood! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! MAÑUEL is shown laughing. FERECITO
Gracias! Gracias! Thank you very
much. Now it’s time
for my favorite comedy routine called “Los Headlines!” MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” in manner of Paul Shaffer's intros on Late Night with David Letterman. FERECITO
(points to an enlarged newspaper
clipping on
a board a la Jay Leno on the Tonight Show) Check this out. This is from a
real newspaper from Montana.
It says, “Seven Killed in Bus Crash.” That’s terrible. But zoom in closer. Look, where it happened. “Butte, Montana.” Butte, Montana! That’s the name of the city. Can you believe? You can’t write this stuff. Butte! It says Butte! You know, I would move there, but I bet it stinks. (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! That was “Los Headlines!” MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” to close out segment. FERECITO
OK, good job, Mañuel!
That’s great. My first guest
is Colin Firth. Get it “Firth.” “First guest?” MAÑUEL
Good thing he wasn’t your
“thecond guest!”
FERECITO
Mañuel! You on fuego
tonight!
MAÑUEL, points to FERECITO smiling broadly. FERECITO
Let’s bring out my first guest.
From the movie Girl
With a Pearl Earring, put your hands together for Colin Firth! Wild applause as Colin enters and shakes FERECITO’S hand. He sits down in a chair next to the host’s desk. FERECITO
How are you doing? Alright? Sit
down. So, Colin Firth,
you are from England? COLIN
I am. I am indeed.
FERECITO
And, as a fellow foreigner trying
to make it here in
this crazy country, let me ask you, “Can you believe how many men circumcise their penises over here? COLIN
I hadn’t noticed.
FERECITO
I mean, the locker room of my
gymnasium looks like a
mushroom farm! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! COLIN
(smiling) That’s very funny. Sounds like
your gym...it sounds like
it’s full of fun guys. (laughs to himself) Get it, mushrooms, fungi? MAÑUEL and FERECITO shake their heads, not amused. MAÑUEL
I don’t get it.
FERECITO
Yeah, that’s OK, Mañuel. (back to Colin) So, it says
here you do a lot of traveling. COLIN
Yeah, actually I just flew in
from London on the Red Eye.
The flight was so long that they should have called it the Red Back-SIDE! (smiles broadly, waiting for their response) MAÑUEL
(still not impressed) Oh, boy.
FERECITO
Oh, Colin, I think you need a
little bit of help with
your comedy delivery. COLIN
What do you mean?
FERECITO
Your jokes just lay there. You
need some excitement. Do
as Ferecito would, like this. Pretend you have two imaginary guns, like this...(makes two guns out of his hands) and you shoot them off like this at the end of your joke. (He demonstrates, shooting his finger guns in the air.) “Pow! Pow!” (egging COLIN on) OK, let’s try it. You flew in from London... COLIN
I flew in from London, but the
flight was so long, they
should have been called the Red Back-SIDE. FERECITO
Now shoot off your guns like
this. (He shoots in the air)
Pow! Pow! COLIN
(pointing toward the audience)
Pow? Pow?
FERECITO
No, no. What are you doing? Not
at the audience! That’s
dangerous, man. Up here. (Points his “finger guns” in the air.) Is more playful like this. COLIN follows suit, pointing his finger guns into the air. FERECITO
OK, then stick out your tongue
like this.
FERECITO cocks his head to the side, bulges his eyes out and sticks his tongue out, looking totally ridiculous. COLIN copies him exactly, making a very silly face. FERECITO
How does that feel?
COLIN
Better.
FERECITO
See, Colin Firth, it’s more
professional. Besides any
gimmick like that can really help shine up one of those turd burgers you call a joke. COLIN
What?
FERECITO
I’m jus keeding!!
Music starts to play. FERECITO perks up. FERECITO
Oh, listen! That means it’s
time to sing.
(to COLIN) Do you want to sing with me? COLIN
Sure.
Both COLIN and FERECITO get up in front of the host’s desk. FERECITO starts swaying side to side with the music. COLIN watches and starts to follow his movements. FERECITO
(singing) I say potato, and you say...
COLIN
(still swaying) I don’t know this song.
FERECITO
(still singing) I say tomato, and you say...
COLIN
No, I’m serious.
FERECITO
(singing) Tomato...
COLIN
I’m sorry.
FERECITO
Potato...
COLIN
I never heard of it.
The music stops. COLIN
(does the silly face)
I’m jus keeding!!!
FERECITO
Oh, that’s great! (continues singing) Let’s call
the whole thing... COLIN
(singing) Let’s call the whole thing . . .
FERECITO AND COLIN
(finishing with a flourish)
Let’s call the whole thing off!
FERECITO
All right! We’ll see you later!
COLIN and FERECITO continue to sway as music plays them off. |