|
Room
Service
INT. HOTEL WILSON. MR. COLLIN'S ROOM - NIGHT. RANDALL the Bellhop (played by Kenan Thompson) shows MR. COLLINS (played by Colin Firth) his room. RANDALL
Alrighty, here is your room, Mr.
Collins.
MR COLLINS
Well, this is nice
RANDALL
You in town for the software
convention?
MR COLLINS
Ah, yup – that’s right I came in
from London
RANDALL
That’s great. Well, your minibar
is right over there.
Extra towels and blankets are in the closet. MR COLLINS
Thanks, well I’m. . .(gives Randall a tip)
RANDALL
I hope you enjoy your stay with
us and if you need
anything, please, my name is Randall, don’t hesitate to call. MR COLLINS
OK, well, Randall, um, actually
yeah, I, ah, I just
wanted to ask, I mean — I’m here in town for this convention and my girlfriend isn’t here. So, you wouldn’t happen to know, um. . . . RANDALL
You’re looking for some
‘professional’ company?
MR COLLINS
Yeah, exactly. I have to be
discreet because people
I work with are staying here too. RANDALL
Yeah, yeah I understand that. How
much do you want to spend?
MR COLLINS
Oh, I don’t know, a hundred
dollars.
RANDALL
Hundred dollars, yeah that should
be just fine. OK,
let’s get those pants off. (Tries to undo Mr. Collins’ belt buckle) MR COLLINS
(Shocked and trying to stop Randall from undoing belt buckle) No, No, No, wait I’M. . .
RANDALL
Hey, hey man, I’m in a big hurry
here. If I’m not back
to the front desk in 15 minutes, I’m in big trouble. Now let’s go! (grabs Mr Collins and tries to undo pants again) MR COLLINS
(Pushing Randell away)
Please don’t do that. PLEASE!
RANDALL
(smiling) Oh, sorry. I should have said
before. I’ve got condoms.
(pulls them out of his jacket pocket) They’re ribbed for your pleasure! MR COLLINS
(Slightly hysterical) Well, I don’t care! I don’t care
if theyre ribbed for
my pleasure! RANDALL
OK, well, I’ll just turn them
inside out.
MR COLLINS
No, that’s NOT, it’s not what I
had in mind!
RANDALL
You’re right. I
misunderstood. Sorry! You want to
watch ME! That’s cool!! (jumps on the bed) MR COLLINS (Agitated) No, no! That’s not what I meant.
FOR GOD SAKE–JUST STOP IT!
RANDALL
You know what? I think I
understand what’s going on here.
Mr. Collins, you’re a racist! MR COLLINS
(Very quietly) No, no I’m not a racist.
RANDALL
You don’t like black people?
MR COLLINS
(Getting a bit agitated again) No, I like black people.
RANDALL
Oh well, good. You’re getting
ready to LOVE one,
Randall. (trying to get Mr. Collins’ pants off again) MR COLLINS
No, no, no, no Stop! Stop! Just
leave! I’m not homosexual!
RANDALL
What? You’re trying to say that
I’m a homosexual?
MR COLLINS
(Confused) Well, no, but you were trying to
take my pants off and
I’d say that’s pretty gay. RANDALL
No, it’s not. I was going to be
the man. You’re the one
whose gonna be sweet. Lay down! MR COLLINS
(Very agitated. Points to the door) Get out of my room!
RANDALL
Well, where’s my bread then?
MR COLLINS
I’m NOT going to pay you! I
haven’t done anything.
WE haven’t done anything! RANDALL
Well, then get you’re pants off!
MR COLLINS
NOOO! I’m calling the management!
(goes round the bed to the phone) RANDALL
Oh, I’ll get him (yells out the
door) Larry,
you’d better get in here. LARRY, the manager (played by Horatio Sanz), enters the room. LARRY
What the hell is going on here?
MR COLLINS
(Pointing to Randall) This. . . .this man is trying to
molest me!
LARRY
Randall?
RANDALL
What man? This dude was
going to pay me a hundred
dollars to have sex with him. LARRY
Aren’t you supposed to be at the
front desk?
RANDALL
I’m on a 15-minute break!
LARRY
15 minute break? Hurry up! Lets
get this dude’s pants
off (both try to pull Mr. Collins’ pants off) MR COLLINS
No,
no, I DON’T want to. Please. (Breathing heavily) Look,
if it will get you out of my room, here, here’s a hundred dollars (pulls bills from pants pockets and gives then to the manager) RANDALL
Well, know what? You called him
in here and you made
this a threesome, so that’s an extra hundred. MR COLLINS
No, I will NOT give you an extra
hundred! (still
breathing heavily) I’m calling the police!! (Picks up the phone) RANDALL
No, no man. I’ll call him.(shouts out the door) OFFICER DENNY!
OFFICER DENNY (played by Chris Parnell) enters the room OFFICER DENNY
This guy giving you trouble,
Randall?
RANDALL
Yes.
MR COLLINS
No, no, I’m not. Officer. There
has been this
little misunderstanding. OFFICER DENNY
Sir, you have the right to
remain. . . .Horny!
RANDALL turns on the radio, OFFICER DENNY starts to gyrate and rub against MR. COLLINS from behind, while trying to undo his pants. LARRY and RANDALL are dancing around the room. MR COLLINS
(Frantically trying to get away; makes a startling discovery) You’re not even a policeman!!
OFFICER DENNY
No, but I have urges like any
other man!
MR COLLINS
STOP! STOP THE MUSIC! STOP! STOP!
You win. Here, take the
money. Take the money. (pulls the rest of the bills from his pocket and hands it over) Just take it. Go, please. RANDALL
Ah, Thank you Mr. Collins! If
there’s anything you need
to make your stay a little more comfortable, the name’s Randall. Everyone except MR. COLLINS leaves the room. MR COLLINS
(Picks up phone) We’ve got to get out of here. The
staff just tried
to roger me! INT. HOTEL WILSON. WORK COLLEAGUE'S - NIGHT. WORK COLLEAGUE (played by Seth Meyers) in bed. WORK COLLEAGUE
Oh my God! That’s, that’s
terrible! Um, I’ll meet you
downstairs in about, ah, 30 minutes? (hangs up the phone) Camera pulls back to show work colleague in bed with another bellhop (Fred Armisen), who gives him a kiss on the cheek. WORK COLLEAGUE
This time I’ll do the feeding. (puts a chocolate into the
bellhop’s mouth) |