Opening Monologue March 6, 2004
Ladies and gentleman . . .Colin Firth
Wild applause. Colin Firth arrives center stage and bows, and then bows again due to the applause and shouting from the audience.
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
I’m incredibly honored to be hosting Saturday
Night Live. Thank you. It’s a show that requires
talents that I have never inflicted on anyone,
until tonight so I’m more than willing to give it
a go. So consider yourself fairly warned.
Now some of you may know me from Bridget Jones’s
Diary, where I play the sensible and sturdy alternative
to Hugh Grant. Or maybe you may know me from the
movie Love Actually, where I play the sensible
and study alternative to Hugh Grant. And for those
of you who watch A&E, you might be familiar with
Pride and Prejudice, where I play the part of Mr. . .
(rushes in, dressed and acting as
Elizabeth Bennett, interrupting Colin)
Mr. Darcy, you could not address me in any
possible way that would induce me to accept you.
OK, I think I know this one. This is (as Mr. Darcy)
Such I was from eight, to eight and twenty, and
such I might still have been but for you, dearest,
That’s a scene from Pride and Prejudice.
Yes it is. Wow, Colin we’re all just pretty excited
to have a classically trained actor like yourself
on the show.
And I wanted to show all the people out here that I,
Amy Poehler, am classically trained as well.
Well, good for you. (tries to get away from Amy)
So on with the show . . .
MAYA RUDOLPH descends from a cherrypicker decorated as a balcony and is dressed as Juliet.
(screaming out in a very non-Juliet manner)
Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? Deny
thy father and refuse thy name.
Oh good, more. Hello Maya.
(loud stage whisper, while thumbing through book)
Colin, do your part. Your line is “I’ll take thee
at thy word.”
(playing Romeo for her)
Call me but love and I’ll be new baptized.
Ooooh, that was good!
Look, all this is lovely, but the fact that I have
a British accent doesn’t necessarily exclude the
possibility that . . .
But you’re the first real actor we’ve had on the show
in a really long time.
Yeah, I tried to get Ian McKellan to do Shakespeare
with me, but he would only talk to Jimmy and Kylie
I’m sure that’s true. Uh, shouldn’t we be moving on?
Don’t you have an omelet suit for me to wear or something?
RACHEL DRATCH enters in period dress.
(interrupting and highly dramatic)
Kiss me! Kiss me, you rogue, whilst I do wait with
furrowed brow and beating heart. Kiss me!
RACHEL DRATCH surprises Colin by grabbing him unexpectedly and kissing him.
Well, that was a treat. What was that from?
What play? What was that from?
Play? Oh no. I’ve just always had a fantasy about
putting on one of these corset things and going to
town on some English dude.
Well, there’s plenty of them where I come from.
SETH MEYERS enters, as Hugh Grant and interrupts.
Yes, I’m sorry to interrupt, but, did someone say
anything, about giving out sexual favors to Englishmen?
Colin, it would be frightfully, dreadfully unfortunate
for you to miss an opportunity to satisfy these lovely
(trying to get on with the show)
Well, there’s nothing I’d like more, but if I could just
get to the end of the. . .
(interrupting and stammering)
No, no, no. But, you see, it’s been my experience that
if you do love scenes with these American women, our
British accents serve as a guaranteed 100 proof panty
remover. Oh, dear, what’s this? Something here.
(He pats one coat pocket and then pulls out a lacy pink
panty) Oh yes, Sandra Bulloc and, hello, goodness (pulls
out another pair) and, yes, Julia Roberts. Lovely.
Seth, please, that is completely inappropriate.
AMY POEHLER comes in from behind looking angry and pulls them out of his hand.AMY POEHLER
Come on, Seth! Those are mine!
(acting as himself)
You’re right. Sorry, it’s me Seth. Truth be told, I
just wanted to come out here 'cause you’ve worked
with Hugh Grant so much and I do this great Hugh
Oh really? Let’s see it?
(pauses with hands on hips, disappointed)
That was it. When I came in.
(looks mockingly mortified, then overcompensates)
Oh, I’m sorry. No, of course it was. No, it was
(slighted and a bit huffy)
Hey, you know what, to all the people I said this to
this week, I take it back. I don’t have a heterosexual
man-crush on Colin Firth any more.
You do not? (places his hand on Seth’s shoulder and in a sexy voice) Dear Seth, it breaks my heart to think that you have lost affection for me when I hold you in such high esteem.
Oh, it’s totally back. I still like you. (exits)
Good. Let’s begin! We’ve got a great show for you.
Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!