Opening Monologue March 6, 2004

ANNOUNCER

COLIN FIRTH

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
I’m incredibly honored to be hosting Saturday
Night Live. Thank you. It’s a show that requires
talents that I have never inflicted on anyone,
until tonight so I’m more than willing to give it
a go. So consider yourself fairly warned.

Now some of you may know me from Bridget Jones’s
Diary, where I play the sensible and sturdy alternative
to Hugh Grant. Or maybe you may know me from the
movie Love Actually, where I play the sensible
and study alternative to Hugh Grant. And for those
of you who watch A&E, you might be familiar with
Pride and Prejudice, where I play the part of Mr. . .

AMY POEHLER

Mr. Darcy, you could not address me in any
possible way that would induce me to accept you.

COLIN FIRTH

OK, I think I know this one. This is (as Mr. Darcy)
Such I was from eight, to eight and twenty, and
such I might still have been but for you, dearest,
loveliest Elizabeth.

AMY POEHLER
(sighs)

Wooh!

COLIN FIRTH

That’s a scene from Pride and Prejudice.

Yes it is. Wow, Colin we’re all just pretty excited
to have a classically trained actor like yourself
on the show.

Thank you.

And I wanted to show all the people out here that I,
Amy Poehler, am classically trained as well.

Well, good for you. (tries to get away from Amy)
So on with the show . . .

Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? Deny
thy father and refuse thy name.

Oh good, more. Hello Maya.

Colin, do your part. Your line is “I’ll take thee
at thy word.”

Call me but love and I’ll be new baptized.

Ooooh, that was good!

Look, all this is lovely, but the fact that I have
a British accent doesn’t necessarily exclude the
possibility that . . .

But you’re the first real actor we’ve had on the show
in a really long time.

Yeah, I tried to get Ian McKellan to do Shakespeare
with me, but he would only talk to Jimmy and Kylie
Minogue.

I’m sure that’s true. Uh, shouldn’t we be moving on?
Don’t you have an omelet suit for me to wear or something?

Kiss me! Kiss me, you rogue, whilst I do wait with
furrowed brow and beating heart. Kiss me!

Well, that was a treat. What was that from?

RACHEL DRATCH
(distractedly)

What now?

What play? What was that from?

Play? Oh no. I’ve just always had a fantasy about
putting on one of these corset things and going to
town on some English dude.

Well, there’s plenty of them where I come from.

Yes, I’m sorry to interrupt, but, did someone say
anything, about giving out sexual favors to Englishmen?

COLIN FIRTH

Hello.

Colin, it would be frightfully, dreadfully unfortunate
for you to miss an opportunity to satisfy these lovely
ladies.

Well, there’s nothing I’d like more, but if I could just
get to the end of the. . .

No, no, no. But, you see, it’s been my experience that
if you do love scenes with these American women, our
British accents serve as a guaranteed 100 proof panty
remover. Oh, dear, what’s this?  Something here.
(He pats one coat pocket and then pulls out a lacy pink
panty) Oh yes, Sandra Bulloc and, hello, goodness (pulls
out another pair) and, yes, Julia Roberts. Lovely.

Seth, please, that is completely inappropriate.

AMY POEHLER

Come on, Seth!  Those are mine!

You’re right. Sorry, it’s me Seth. Truth be told, I
just wanted to come out here 'cause you’ve worked
with Hugh Grant so much and I do this great Hugh
Grant impression.

COLIN FIRTH

Oh really? Let’s see it?

That was it. When I came in.

Oh, I’m sorry. No, of course it was. No, it was
marvelous. Really.

Hey, you know what, to all the people I said this to
this week, I take it back. I don’t have a heterosexual
man-crush on Colin Firth any more.

You do not? (places his hand on Seth’s shoulder and in a sexy voice) Dear Seth, it breaks my heart to think that you have lost affection for me when I hold you in such high esteem.

SETH MEYERS
(melting)

Good. Let’s begin! We’ve got a great show for you.
Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!