Colin Firth on Saturday Night Live

EXT. - FILM SET: A HOMESTEAD IN GEORGIA, CIRCA AMERICAN CIVIL WAR - DAY.

As dramatic music swells, we see IDA (played by Amy Poehler), a beautiful Southern woman, pleading her case to Captain Ashford (played by Chris Parnell).

IDA
(in a delicate Southern drawl)

Have you any word, Captain Ashford?
Please tell me my beloved William is still alive.

ASHFORD
(also with a Southern drawl, says menacingly)

You’ll never see your William again.
You’re gonna need a strong man to take his place.

ASHFORD lecherously leans in closer to IDA as the DIRECTOR (played by Jimmy Fallon) interrupts.

DIRECTOR

And cut!

The two actors break, relaxing between takes. The rest of the film crew breaks into a flurry of activity.

DIRECTOR

Beautiful . . . beautiful. Check the gate or something
like that. OK, moving on to scene 1-14A. Let’s bring
Nigel out to the set.

A PRODUCTION ASSISTANT (played by Rachel Dratch) appears out of nowhere, sidles up to the director and in a megaphone loudly tells him directly into his ear.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

Nigel’s on the set.

DIRECTOR

Thank you.

NIGEL RHYS CANNON (played by Colin Firth), handsome British actor, walks up dressed in gray Confederate soldier’s uniform, and warmly shakes the director’s hand.

DIRECTOR

Nigel Rhys Cannon, it’s a pleasure to have
you here, really.

NIGEL

(in a lovely deep, posh British voice)

No, please, I’m tremendously excited to be here.
It’s every British actor’s dream to play an
authentic American hero.

DIRECTOR

You’re gonna be great. You’re gonna be great.
Now this is the shot. Ida thinks you’ve died in
the Battle of Manassas and then . . .

NIGEL
(interrupting)

And then here I am!

DIRECTOR

Exactly! Ready to try one?

NIGEL

Yup! Ready, Freddie.

DIRECTOR

Let’s do this. Alright. Rolling and action!

The playback music swells dramatically. IDA, sad and forlorn, awaiting news of her long-lost love, is half-heartedly pumping water in front of her home. She does not notice NIGEL slowly approaching her from behind. He lays a hand on her shoulder. She turns to him.

IDA
(in her Southern drawl, surprised)

My darling, you’re alive!

NIGEL
(in a VERY BAD American/Paul Lynde nasal voice)

Ida, you’re here! I never thought I’d see you again!
My heart is so full!

IDA is, needless to say, stunned and dumbstruck.

DIRECTOR
(interrupting)

And cut! Cut! Um, are you alright, Nigel?

NIGEL

Yeah, yeah. It felt good. Yeah.

DIRECTOR
(referring to the actress playing IDA)

Dude, you can hear Sheila OK?

NIGEL

Yup, wonderful.

DIRECTOR

And you can hear how she sounds and stuff?

NIGEL

Yes.

DIRECTOR

Great, great. Let’s go again. Remember, you’re a simple
Georgian peach farmer who has been sucked into a war
he didn’t want . . . in Georgia. Let’s do it again and
speak like you’re from Georgia. And action!

DIRECTOR rushes off. As the actors start the scene again, the music swells. NIGEL approaches IDA the same way as before. She turns.

IDA

My darling, you’re alive!

NIGEL
(again in the same VERY BAD nasal voice)

Ida, I’m here! I never thought I’d see you again!
My heart is so full

DIRECTOR
(calls Nigel aside and says confidentially)

Alright, Cut! Cut! Nigel, can I talk to you for a second?
I feel like you’re worrying about the American accent.
Don’t overthink it.

NIGEL

It is feeling a bit technical. . . .

DIRECTOR

A little bit? A lot technical. Stay loose.
Improv if you want.

NIGEL

Alright.

DIRECTOR

Let’s go again. And we’re rolling. Action!

DIRECTOR rushes off. The actors start the scene for the third time. The music swells. NIGEL approaches IDA.

IDA

My darling, you’re alive!

NIGEL

(still using the same VERY BAD nasal voice)

Ida, I love you so much, my little Southern
hoochie coochie, little . . .

DIRECTOR
(interrupting; trying to contain his frustration)

OK, Cut! Great. That’s great. Let’s skip ahead to
scene 125, where you talk less. Can we get Kim and
Bobbie to the set, please?

The PRODUCTION ASSISTANT appears out of nowhere again, sidles up to the director and in a megaphone loudly tells him directly into his ear.

PRODUCTION ASSISTANT

Kim and Bobbie are on the set.

DIRECTOR
(shooing PA away)

OK, you’ve got to quit doing that.

CAPTAIN ASHFORD and SANDRA, a slave, approach.

DIRECTOR
(to Nigel)

Uh, in this scene, Captain Ashford knows you’re
A.W.O.L. and he’s come looking for you, right?
Let’s rehearse it. OK? Ready and action!

The music swells dramatically as CAPTAIN ASHFORD approaches SANDRA, bringing in the wash.

ASHFORD
(menacingly)

Sandra, where is Mr. William?

SANDRA
(fearfully)

I don’ know nothin’ about no soldiers bein’
on da runs.

IDA rushes in, interrupting.

IDA
(pleading)

Please, Captain Ashford, I’ll do anything.
Just don’t take him away from me again!

NIGEL enters, visibly perturbed.

NIGEL
(still using the VERY BAD nasal voice)

Dang nabbit! Get your hands off her, you bastard!
Or, so help me, I’ll take your life with my own hands!
I’m SO serious about this!

DIRECTOR
(extremely and openly frustrated)

Cut! Cut! Nigel! (to the other actors) Sorry about
that. (to NIGEL) What the!? F’-in H - , man! Your
accent is terrible!

NIGEL

Well, look, I don’t know why. I’ve been working with
my voice coach for months.

VOICE COACH (played by Seth Meyers), a very flamboyant man breezes in.

VOICE COACH
(sounding exactly like Paul Lynde)

I think he sounds FANTASTIC! He just needs to pop
his P’s a little more!

DIRECTOR
(to COACH)

Now get out of here!

VOICE COACH
(waving as he leaves)

Byeee!

DIRECTOR
(to Nigel, encouraging)

Now repeat after me, OK (in a Southern drawl),
magnolia.

NIGEL
(in the Paul Lynde voice)

Magnolia.

DIRECTOR
(in a Southern accent again)

Confederate army.

NIGEL
(again, in the Paul Lynde voice)

Confederate army.

DIRECTOR:
(still not giving up, in Southern)

My beloved.

NIGEL
(can’t shake that bad accent)

My beloved.

DIRECTOR
(tries another approach, with the Southern drawl)

All right, repeat after me now: Mah

NIGEL
(copying director exactly)

Mah

DIRECTOR
(still with Southern accent)

Be-

Nigel
(getting it right again)

Be-

DIRECTOR

-luv-ed

NIGEL
(by jove, he’s got it!)

-luv-ed

DIRECTOR

Great! Put it together!

NIGEL
(back to the Paul Lynde voice)

My beloved!

The other actors, looking on from the sidelines, are frustrated.

SHEILA
(in her own Australian accent)

Aw, crikey, Nigel, it’s not that hard.

DIRECTOR

See, Sheila’s Australian and she can do it.

KIM
(in his own Chinese accent)

I Chinese in real life. I learn dese lines phonetically
and I still sound better dan you!

BOBBIE
(badly stuttering)

And I st . . .st . . .st . . .

DIRECTOR

And she stutters, she stutters.

NIGEL

Look, I don’t know what to tell you.
I’m doing the best I can, you know.

DIRECTOR

Just do it in your own voice.

KIM
(in own Chinese accent)

Why he get to do dat? Don’t you tink dis is hard for me?
Whole script filled with L’s and R’s!

DIRECTOR

Fine, fine, Kim. Use your real voice.
Everybody use whatever voice you like!

DIRECTOR leaves, and the scene repeats as before. ASHFORD approaches SANDRA.

ASHFORD
(with Chinese accent)

Sandra, where Mistah Wihram?

SANDRA
(with strong stutter)

I duh- duh- don’t . . .

IDA rushes in, interrupting.

IDA
(with Australian accent)

G’day mate. Shrimp on the barbee. Please Capt’n
Ashford, don’t take him away from me again!

NIGEL
(again with nasal Paul Lynde voice)

Damn it, Ida! I’ll handle this!

DIRECTOR rushes in again.

DIRECTOR

Cut! Cut! Cut! You know what? This may
sound crazy, but you’ve given me an idea.
He strokes his chin, deep in thought.

CUT TO: Cover of VARIETY. Picture of DIRECTOR, extremely euphoric, giving the thumbs up sign. The title of the article reads "PROJECT SCRAPPED."